There's No Place Like Gnome

Edward disguised as a jolly wood gnome.

There's No Place Like Gnome is the episode 24a of second season.

Plot

Edward gets bit by a wood gnome and the Bean Scouts think that if a lonely camper gets bit, they'll live a life of magical wonder by sundown, but Slinkman explains that when a gnome bites a camper, they'll eat him. So Edward has to do something so he won't get eaten.

Trivia

Credits: Slinkman talks to the wood gnomes about how he told Edward the things that would happen to him if he got bit by a gnome. Meanwhile, Lumpus is outside being chased by a chair that he used to keep others away.

The song the Jelly Beans sing is sung to the tune of Rossini's "William Tell Overture"

Notes

Edward's doll Veronica appears in this episode.

Why was Edward sleeping in his Bean Scout uniform? Usually he wears a teal nightgown.

How did everyone bar the Jelly Beans manage to hang around inside Pinto Cabin without Edward even noticing?

Goofs

• When Edward falls on his back, crying after the other campers won't help him, his head is detached from his body.

Transcript

(Scoutmaster Lumpus pokes his head out from behind the trees)

Lumpus: Looks like they're having a campfire, Slinkman. What a perfect time to try out my new Scoutmaster Buddy 3000 Lawn Chair!

(Slinkman walks in, carrying a lawn chair. The Bean Scouts sit around the fire)

Dave: And that's what happened to the scouts who lived in the cabin with only one door.

(Scouts gasp)

Samson: That's nothing. Did you hear the one about the 500-year-old s'more hidden in the rafters of the Mess Hall?

Ping-Pong: Or what about the legend of the tree that lost all its leaves?

Chip: A tree that lost all its leaves?

Edward: Enough already! I thought the point of a campfire was to tell scary tales. Not fairy tales.

Lazlo: Oh! Oh! If we're telling fairy stories, can I tell the one about the magical wood gnomes?

Edward: I would rather read the phone book than to hear about magical wood gnomes. (Lazlo smiles) But you're gonna tell us anyway?

(Lazlo nods his head.)

Lazlo: The legend has it that the magical wood gnomes have roamed the Pimpleback Mountains for centuries and no one has ever seen them. (He makes shadow puppets of a gnome) But every twenty years, they frolic to Camp Kidney, looking for a scout to join them. They bite the leg of the chosen Scout, turning him into an actual wood gnome. (The gnome shadow puppet bites the camper shadow puppet's leg, turning him into a gnome)

Edward:(distracted)Debra Dinglehopper... Dennis Dinglehopper... Dingle Dinglehopper...

(Lazlo grabs Edward by the shoulders and pulls him to his side.)

Lazlo: (cotd.): And at sunset, they come and whisk him away to a life of magical wonder.

Edward: Say, Lazlo, let's get back to telling scary stories. Wanna hear one?

Lazlo: Okay.

Edward: YOU PEOPLE ARE MAKING MY HEAD EXPLOOOODE! I'm gonna get some cheese for all this baloney.

(Edward storms off).

Lazlo: Keep an eye out for any magical wood gnomes, Edward!

Edward is walking back through the woods.

Edward: (sarcastically) "Keep your eye out, blah, blah, blooh blah, Edward!" Can't even heard a decent scary story at camp. Wood gnomes! Yeesh!

Edward is starting to get very worried as he hears noises coming from the woods.

Edward: Um... I'm not scared! (Screams at a spider in front of his face, and then at) An ant!

(He dives into a nearby bush. We hear a chomping noise and Edward screaming. We cut back to the camp hearing the screams)

Edward: (O/S) HELP! SOMETHIN' BIT ME!

(He screams again, this time heard by Slinkman inside Lumpus' office.)

Slinkman: Sounds like a screaming camper in need, sir.

Lumpus: Wonderful. Perfect timing to try out my Lawn Chair 3000 earplugs!

(He presses a button which puts a couple of corks into his ears. He sighs contendedly.

Back in the woods, Edward is brushing himself off when the other campers run towards him to see what's wrong.)

Lazlo: Edward! Are you okay?

Edward: Yeah, yeah. I think somethin' in that bush bit me.

(All the other campers gasp in awe.)

Lazlo and Raj: Wood gnome!

Clam: Magical!

Edward: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Samson: What happened?

Raj: Edward got bit by a wood gnome!

Samson: Wow...

Edward: Wait a minute. I never said wood gnome!

Chip: What's goin' on?

Samson: Edward's gonna live the magical life of a wood gnome by sundown!

Skip: It's so exciting!

Samson: I'm jealous! Lucky!

(Edward is fuming with rage.)

Edward: IT WAS NOT A WOOD GNOME! It was just a big spider or somethin'!

Lazlo: This is amazing!

Edward: This is not amazing! It's just a stupid baby fairy tale!

(He storms off. The other campers sigh, happy for the fate of their fellow Bean Scout.)

(The next morning. Pinto Cabin, Edward's POV. We hear snoring and voices swimming into his head as he wakes up.)

Lazlo: Rise and shine, me lovey gnome!

(Edward's POV: we see three gnomes staring right into his face. We then see Edward lying in his bed, clutching Veronica. The platypus screams and drops the doll. For some reason he'd been sleeping in his Bean Scout uniform.)

Lazlo: We have only a few short hours to prepare!

Edward: Prepare for what?!

Lazlo: This!

(He hands Edward a book.)

Edward: (reading aloud) "So You're Going To Be A Gnome".

Lazlo: It's just a little scrapbook I threw together this morning! A few hundred pages of wood gnome facts, figures and advice! Go ahead, start reading!

(Edward agitatedly leafs through the book without even looking and throws it away.)

Lazlo: Done? All right, let's dance!

Edward: Dance?

Lazlo: (Singing to the tune of "William Tell Overture") Oh... Giddy is the life of a jolly wood gnome. They have long beards and they love your lawn. They dance little jigs on their little gnome homes. Hooray for the life...of a jolly wood gnome!

Edward: Great. Can I go now?

(The Jellies pull him back)

Raj: Oh... Giddy is the life of a jolly wood gnome.

Clam: (Puts a cone-shaped hat, a fake beard, and a red tunic on Edward) They wear long beards!

Lazlo: (rolls out a carpet of grass) And they love your lawn.

(They place Edward on top of a mushroom)

All: They do little jigs on their little gnome homes...

(It turns out all the scouts- Chip, Skip, Samson, Dave, Ping-Pong, the lemmings and a random background pig) have been in Pinto Cabin this whole time!)

Everyone: So grand for the life...of a jolly wood gnome!

(Slinkman, carrying a laundry basket, walks by the cabin)

Lazlo: It's the gnome song! The song for the gnomes!

(Slinkman walks into the cabin)

Lazlo: Hey, Slinkman!

Slinkman: What's going on here?

Lazlo: It's Edward! He got bit by a jolly wood gnome. By sundown, he'll live a life of magical wonder! You know. (Singing) Giddy is the life of a jolly wood gnome...

Slinkman: (Gasps) Wait a minute! Jolly wood gnome? No. No. No! That's not how it goes! It's "Beware the teeth of the deadly wood gnomes. They'll bite your leg when you're all alone! And they'll drag you back to their little gnome home, where they'll boil you for stew until you're nothing but bone!"

Samson: Oh, my. Look at the time. Catch you later, Ed.

(Everyone leaves)

Lazlo: (Crying) No! Edward! I'm sorry I got the song wrong, buddy!

Edward: No! Don't go! I don't wanna get eaten! (Buries his face into Slinkman and cries) My final moments are gonna be spent in the mouths of pink-cheeked, bearded miniature mutants that inspired hideous lawn ornaments! (He looks up at the banana slug) How am I gonna explain this to my mother?

Slinkman: Well, there may be a way, but it's very difficult.

Edward: (Buries his face into Slinkman again) Everythin' with Mother is difficult.

Slinkman: No. I mean, to stop the gnomes from eating you.

Edward: There is? What is it? I'll do anything.

Slinkman: You only got until sunset.

Edward: Yeah. Go on.

Slinkman: You must pluck a single nose hair from...

(Edward pulls out one of his own nose hairs and screams in pain)

Slinkman: A moose.

Edward: But the only moose in camp is...

(He makes a goofy face. Scene cuts to Lumpus resting in his lawn chair outside his office. Samson arrives)

Samson: Scoutmaster Lumpus?

Lumpus: What?

Samson: Can I have a new uniform? Because this one has a snag.

(Lumpus presses a button on his chair and a speaker comes out)

Lumpus: (Over loudspeaker) NO!

Samson: But can't I ignore something so obvious?

(Lumpus breaks his glasses)

Raj: Can I get an ice cream sandwich with red and green sprinkles?

Dung Beetles: Can we get a...

(Lumpus pushes a button, which puts corks in his ears.)

Chip: Is that a no?

(The other scouts surround him. Lumpus' chair grows legs and walks backwards into his office)

Lumpus: Retreat! Retreat!

(In his office)

Maybe I should put it in "annoying deflect" mode.

Edward: May I have one of your nose hairs...? Scoutmaster Lumpus?

(Lumpus kicks him out)

Samson: Hey, Ed. Love to help you, but you're going to get eaten. So... See ya.

(Edward leaves a pie on Lumpus' doorstep. He removes the top, sprinkles pepper inside, puts the top back on and knocks on the door)

Lumpus: This better be important! (He sees the pie with the tag reading "For Lumpus.") Ooh! A pie for me? (He bites into the pie. Pepper flies everywhere. Edward hands him a tissue)

Edward: Tissue?

Lumpus: What? Oh, thank you. (He takes the tissue and sneezes into it. Edward takes the tissue from him)

Edward: Can you blow again? That one doesn't have any nose hairs.

(Lumpus presses a button. Out of the chair appears a mallet, which smashes Edward into the porch. He goes to the bathroom)

Lumpus: Maybe a quick shave will help me relax.

(Edward comes out of the medicine cabinet)

Edward: Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom... Nom... Nom... Can I have one of your nose hairs.

(Lumpus kicks him out of his office. As Edward walks along the beach, he looks up at the sun setting in the sky)

Edward: It's almost sunset. (He runs to the Mess Hall) Dave! Ping-Pong! You gotta help me get past Lumpus' scout chair before the gnomes eat me! (The Loons run away. Edward runs to the Dung Beetles) Chip! Skip! My dearest, oldest pals! You gotta help me! (The Dung Beetles run away. Later, Edward meets the Lemmings, swimming in the lake) Oh. Hey there, fellas. We're gonna go pick one of Lumpus' nose hairs so I don't get eaten by gnomes. What do you say? (After the Lemmings leave, he lays down on the ground, crying) I don't wanna get boiled to the bone!

(Lazlo arrives)

Lazlo: (Crying) I'm sorry, buddy! This is all my fault! If only we had a nose hair from Lumpy!

(Both are now lying on the ground, bawling.)

Edward: It's no use!

Lazlo: But can't we try something together b-b-before you get boiled?

(They creep up towards Lumpus, sleeping in his chair)

Lazlo: (Whispering) Look. He's asleep.

Edward: This is never gonna to work.

Lazlo: Shh... Don't focus on the negative. Focus on the nose hair. Now reach slowly. (Slowly and very carefully, Edward reaches for Lumpus' nose hairs in the left nostril) No! Wait! Grab the big one. (Edward reaches for the long nose hair in the right nostril) There you go!

Edward: I... I'm getting it!

Lazlo: That's it, Edward!

Edward: I'm getting it! (The sun goes down and the moon comes up) AAH!!! Sunset! The gnomes! (Crying) It... It's too late! (A rustling in the bushes is heard) Wh-what's that?

Lazlo: Just the wind... (Eyes appear in the bushes) And a couple of sets of eyeballs.

Edward: Oh, no!

Lazlo: I'm going in, Edward!

(Edward grabs his hand)

Edward: Let's do this. (He lunges at Lumpus) Nose hair! (He grabs Lumpus' nose hair. Suddenly, the lawn chair starts to malfunction)

Lazlo: Go, Edward!

Edward: You want a nose hair, you stupid gnomes?! Here! Take it! (He throws the nose hair at the bushes. The other scouts come out)

Clam: Edward lives!

(They lift Edward up onto their shoulders)

Lazlo: Hooray for Edward!

Edward: Hey! When did everyone...

Lazlo: You did it, Edward! You scared off the gnomes!

Edward: We did it, Lazlo! I'm not gonna be eaten!

(As they head back to camp, the lawn chair attacks Lumpus, pointing at his forehead with a laser)

Lumpus: Uh-oh.

(An explosion is seen and the scene fades to black)